Můj nejdražší!
Můj nejdražší!
Přicházíš s půlnocí a s úsvitem odcházíš. Beze slova, jako měsíc mezi mraky, a mně nezbývá než celé dny trávit toužením po Tobě, a hrát si s naším maličkým.
Dnes jsem chtěla složit pro Tebe báseň, zjistila jsem však, že ani ty nejkrásnější věty nemohou zcela vyjádřit mou lásku k Tobě a smutek, který mě zaplavuje jako povodeň, když jsem sama. Cítím tolik žalu, že bych dozajista zemřela nebýt našeho děťátka. Jen ono mě dokáže rozesmát. Tolik je Ti podobné, chtěla bych říci. Jak bych však mohla, když neznám Tvoji tvář.
Dnes, když malý usnul, šla jsem se na chvíli projít. Slunce se odráželo od jinovatky a vytvářelo v krystalcích ledu tisíce malých duh. Nekonečně modré nebe rušil jen dým z hořících vesnic a dravý pták, kroužící nad mojí hlavou. Svobodně vykřikoval do celého světa: ,,Tady jsem!“ Tolik jsem chtěla být jako on, vznášet se, lehká a odpoutaná od všeho pozemského.
Kousek od hradu zahnala smečka vlků do houští malého koloucha. Když jsem přišla blíž, seběhli se kolem, olizovali mi obličej a nechali se hladit.
Byli tak sladcí!
Nemohla jsem se však zdržet tak dlouho, jak bych si přála. Co kdyby se náš drahoušek probudil a já nebyla po ruce. Toho křiku!
Když jsem se vracela, přistál mi na rameni Tvůj havran. Poprvé! Měla jsem radost jako malá holka. Konečně. Přilétl ke mně z oblak, jako láskyplná vzpomínka od Tebe, a aspoň na chvíli rozehnal chlad skličující mé srdce.
Tak dlouho mě odmítal. Když jsi mě přivedl do hradu, a já bloudila osamocená jeho prázdnými chodbami, společníkem mi bylo jen pištění myší v koutech a havranův výsměšný křik, pronásledující mě celé hodiny. Jak dlouho mi trvalo, nežli jsem ho získala na svoji stranu. Ale zdařilo se!
Jsem tak pyšná, můj nejdražší. Tolik pyšná, že jsem nepodlehla svým slabostem a strachu, a vydržela vše, co mě v Tvém domově čekalo. Dnes už mohu přiznat, jak moc jsem se bála, když jsi ke mně poprvé v noci přišel, i jak jsem byla doslova bez sebe hrůzou poté, co jsem se sama, samotinká, tak nečekaně ocitla na neznámém místě, kde nebylo, krom havrana a myší, jediné duše, s níž bych mohla přes den rozmlouvat. Třásla jsem se děsem a očekávala každým okamžikem smrt. Ta však nepřicházela. I zima mě ubíjela, ten věčný chlad v kamenných místnostech bez krbů. Co by tomu řekly sestry, kdyby mě viděly, jak celé dny ležím bez hnutí, schoulená pod kupou přikrývek. Ale vydržela jsem! Přizpůsobila jsem se drsným podmínkám, jež panují v Tvém panství.
A to vše jen kvůli Tobě, miláčku.
Všude je ticho. Sedím u okna, u té díry ve zdi, hledím ven a vzdychám po Tobě. Nic už nedbám, že mi mrzne obličej a dělá se mi jinovatka na řasách. Co na tom? Vždyť už zbývá jen pár hodin. Přijde temná noc a s ní i Ty a Tvé objetí.
Malý se začíná vrtět. Již brzo otevře oči, posadí se v kolébce a hlasitým jekotem dá najevo svůj hlad.
Už brzo ho budu muset nakrmit.
Zatím však ještě píšu dopis pro Tebe. Opatruj se, drahý můj, a přijď co nejdříve. Nenech čekat svou milovanou...
Navždy Tvá, Alžběta
P. S. Děkuji za růži. Je tak krásná! Celá září v prázdné šedé místnosti a já od ní nemohu odtrhnout zrak. Chtěla bych přijít blíž a přivonět, ale mám strach, abych ji svým studeným dechem nezahubila. Mám strach ji vzít do dlaní, aby se mi v prstech nerozpadla na prach.
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(NastiDrumn, 17. 2. 2023 23:24)
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